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The Wrongest Restaurant Names in Melbourne

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by Clay Steele (subscribe)
Nutritionist & Life Coach Meeting all requirements to call myself so (i.e. none)
Published November 25th 2012
When restaurant naming goes wrong
Ah yes, Melbourne is a rich tapestry of cuisines and a veritable melange of restaurants lies in wait for we lucky few who live here. Of course when there are so many restaurants out there, all the best names get taken and every now and then a restaurateur will get it horrifically wrong in the naming stakes. Below are the top 5 such incidents that I am aware of, please feel free to add your own in the comments section:

Poons, Footscray
Poons window
Thats what she said...

Apparently Poon is quite a common name in China, however it is also a rather indelicate yankee descriptor (yes another Americanisation) of certain anatomical parts that (to quote the Simpsons) "functional as they may be, are evil!" Perhaps I've stretched the boundaries of good taste with this one, however if Marieke Hardy can reference penetrative docking in a Green Guide article, I think I can be excused for the odd tasteless name based potty humour at Mr & Mrs Poon's expense.

Flakey Jakes, Fish n Chips Franchises
A moderately common chain of fish n chip shops, Flakey Jakes obviously makes reference to the Australian penchant for calling Gummy Shark fillets "Flake". I'm afraid that's lost on me; I can only picture an overweight cook sweating in front of a deep fryer, with a particularly virulent case of dandruff.

Jake we didn't order desiccated coconut on our minimum chips…"

Red Rooster
Three things:
1. Please don't reference the animal I'm about to eat.
2. In nature, red is the colour of danger and even the pebble-brained birds of the Amazon know to stay away from it.
3. "Daddy, why do they keep stealing the 'S' from the Red Rooster sign?"

The Fu King Chinese Restaurant, Chelsea
This restaurant is unfortunately no longer with us (too many prank calls), however for many years my brother and I would peer excitedly out the window as our car cruised down the Nepean Highway, passing the Fu King en route to Frankston. Do you think 12 year-old boys would ever tire of reeling off phrases like "Can I book a table for Fu King?" or "Eat your Fu King dinner!". In fact, two decades later, I still find it rather amusing. Who are you to Fu King judge me?

Lambs of Richmond
Wrong lambs Richmond
I want to see the lambs mummy...

Once again referencing the animal you happen to be eating. This animal also happens to be particularly cute and cuddly (did they really need to decorate the place like it was a petting zoo?). In fact an endearing child with the deep, watery brown eyes of a cocker spaniel probably loved the very kebab you're now tucking into. It was the child's only friend, growing up as he did on a sheep station. Who's playing that violin?

Also, it reminds me of this guy (ugh, cold shiver):

Well there you have it. Remember they would most likely have had to register those business names, so they did have time to re-think it!
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Why? I ask myself the same question
When: Until the madness ends
Where: Richmond, Foostcray, CBD, the past
Your Comment
What about 'Golden Stream' in Balcombe Road Beaumaris? My children have always thought this an extremely unfortunate name for a restaurant. Nevertheless, the food is consistently excellent.
by elsie (score: 1|11) 2607 days ago
Not a restaurant, but I am sure there was "The Bottom Shop" in the Macedon Ranges a few years ago when I was holidaying there
by Dave Walsh (score: 4|11291) 2607 days ago
Very funny read. Well done
by Helenonthesofa (score: 2|661) 2597 days ago
Too funny Robert! Asian restaurants seem to cop indecent restaurant names alot.
by Yin-Yin Ow (score: 3|1596) 2604 days ago
I love the way you write. You are nimble with words and throw in heaps of humour
by Former Writer (score: 2|102) 2605 days ago
Sydney and Canberra also have/had some fine restaurant names. The Phuket Thai in O'Connor (formerly), the Tak Kee Inn in Dixon, Canberra, the Thai Tanic in Paramatta Rd, Sydney, the Thai Me Down in Randwick, Sydney - in fact the supply of great Thai restaurant names seems to be limitless!
by hilary (score: 0|2) 2604 days ago
How about New Kum Den in Chinatown? Apparently the food is very good but the imagery had kept me out of there. Reminds me of a dark cavern of men....
by susan190 (score: 0|9) 2604 days ago
I still reckon the funniest food stall name I have ever seen must be: "Wun Hung Lo". The owner must be sick of all the jokes he gets about his business name at the markets. Anyway my husband has me in stitches about it.
by info135 (score: 1|19) 2604 days ago
There was and might still be the Sha-Tin chinese Restaurant in Heathmont.
by combi (score: 1|12) 2604 days ago
robert, that was Fu king hysterical
by jyoung (score: 0|2) 2605 days ago
ha! very funny, I am always appalled by food chains advertisng their products using the very animal you are going to eat...remember the KFC ads where the chickens are all merrily singing as they walk to their certain death?
by Frances Cameron (score: 0|2) 2605 days ago
Delhi Belly is an Indian Restaurant in the Docklands...
by genevieve (score: 0|2) 2605 days ago
Then there's the Figjam Cafe in Koornang Rd, Carnegio. Don't know if the establishment is frequented by Nathan Buckley.
by imcma (score: 0|5) 2606 days ago
Devastated that GAYLORD didn't get a mention (chinatown)
by s.e.d (score: 0|2) 2606 days ago
by Susan (score: 0|2) 2586 days ago
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