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The 3 Worst Public Toilets in Melbourne

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by PaperColossus (subscribe)
papercolossus.com
Published April 4th 2012
It's cold, the floor is wet, I'm trying to hold my pant leg out of a puddle, is that a rat? The light's gone out and, is that an eyeball through that gap? Is someone watching? I think I smell vomit. There's no paper. I hate you bad toilets, you make me feel dirty.

Explore the three worst toilets in Melbourne from the sterile vantage point of the Internet. Learn some hard earned lessons the easy way and avoid three of the worst places to do your business.

Flinders Street Station, Saturday Night.

"The train to hygiene has been cancelled"

A stainless still panel, three by six feet, scratched with keys and permanent markers, although mildly reflective, is not a mirror. Even worse is the floor. Although the floor is wet, it is not the reassuring mild dampness of a recent clean. Rather, a rippling puddle of a constant leak, mixed with vomit and wayward urine, and there's some extra bits in the mix for the guessing.

The large number of people that use this toilet make it especially rabble to the filth cycle: too dirty to clean up after myself, too dirty to touch the lid, too dirty to touch anything, no toilet paper anywhere, too many people and everyone in a rush. It is a bad mixture of elements thrown together that create, in their combination, the filth cycle. It appears that the only people that don't visit these toilets on a Saturday night is the cleaners, and who can blame them. Steer clear and cross the road to ACMI, level one, use the toilets you deserve.

Cherry Bar.

"Rockers don't flush or aim."

The modern rock fuelled anarchist, on a visit to Cherry Bar, is greatly restricted in their ability to rebel against or smash the system. After paying ten dollars at the door, paying seven dollars for a small bottle of beer and listening to the, essentially, same music that was played last week with the same people, wearing the same things, it may indeed feel like you are not quite living up to your internal anarchist manifesto.

However, behind the closed doors of the toilet, the system, waste in the toilet/feet on the ground/ flush after use/, is totally and utterly destroyed and the true anarchist spirit is allowed to soar. Locks have been ripped from doors, seats from bowls and paper from walls. Liquid has been set free from bowl and sink alike. Solid waste is routinely liberated from its flushy prison and can be seen vacationing to new and exciting locations, from the wall to the seat to the floor.

The spirit of anarchy awakened in this toilet acts as an escalating cycle: any non-toilet-anarchist is likely to be too petrified of the germ related element involved in touching anything that they themselves are more likely to urinate on the floor than have to touch the lid. Thus, escalating the filth cycle. It may in fact be cleaner to urinate/defecate into your own hands than visit these toilets. At least in this case you could guarantee that it is only one person's waste that you are in contact with, as opposed to countless strangers' toilet matter.


Meredith Music Festival Lovers-Lookout Toilet Block- Day Two/Three, 5am.

"Get in early, get out quick.

It's so late, you don't want to go, it would be easier to go into a bush, but your ex girlfriend might see me, or worse your current girlfriend. Also, there are so many people with cameras. It's risky business being a bathroom renegade, play it safe use the "official" water closet. In theory an eco-friendly toilet run off the elbow grease of volunteers, worms, sawdust and a few simple rules sounds great. However, throw between ten to fifteen thousand bottoms on permanent rotation and some problems begin to emerge around day two/three.

The simple rules saw dust after use, close the lid and go in the bowl- seem to be the first to go, while the volunteers more directly their motivation, ability and effectiveness- seem to join the exodus swiftly thereafter. The filthier this toilet block becomes, the more likely the volunteer is to be rendered helpless. Or, more realistically, the more likely the volunteer is to be rendered "done a runner". Strategically it's possibly worth just holding it in. After all, it's home time in the morning.
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Why? For the love of your health and/or safety
Your Comment
You've achieved something I would have thought unachievable - your article is both hilarious and gut-wrenchingly nauseous. Great work, thanks for posting it.
by Sue Williams (score: 2|840) 2844 days ago
It was the toilets at Future last year that made me decide I'm too old for music festivals... There were girls actually banging on toilet doors until they shook the locks open if someone had been in there for more than thirty seconds, not to mention the complete lack of hygeine - and the toilets people created for themselves (beside a food vendor, in a recycling bin, on the side of a tent). Fun and incredibly repulsive article! :P
by Michaelie Clark (score: 2|951) 2843 days ago
Absolutely spot on with flinder street station toilet's & second one is Melbourne Central. I can not believe, that women can be as disgusting as men.Thank you for writing that article, it ticks me off with how dirty public toilets are.
by sam08 (score: 0|3) 2834 days ago
I have already written to Metro to complain about Flinders Street toilets, wasn't impressed with their reply saying they were very busy toilets ans so hard to keep clean. We have travelled overseas and can't remember any toilets being this gross. Have you ever seen the way the women wander around pretending to clean, they are useless. The public toilets at the Town Hall are always clean, so if you can hang on, it's worth the walk up Swanston Street.
by janef (score: 2|105) 2619 days ago
The public toilets in the Mentone carpark near the shopping centre are always disgusting. I don't think the City of Kingston ever cleans them. They are always poorly lit with rubbish all over the floors
by emmab (score: 0|8) 2840 days ago
Really funny article!! I decided I was too old to go to another big day out after someone never bothered to even go to the toilet and was weeing behind me with splashes on my leg. Best public toilets Collins/Swanston.
by strel0 (score: 0|2) 2840 days ago
I went to Visy Park to watch a game of footy last week. I sat under the coaches boxes and to find an unlocked ladies toilet was a miracle in itself! Once I did, the disgusting messes on the floor, the toilet seats sitting beside the toilets, the smell and spookiness of being what seemed to be the bowels of the Park, all made you wonder if you really needed to go! Fortunately, the bonus was, there was toilet paper! Yes the grounds and facilities look great from the grand stand, but take your life in your hands if you really need to go to the loos!!
by jan.d (score: 2|109) 2840 days ago
Rochester Castle Hotel in Johnstone St.
by joelb (score: 0|2) 2834 days ago
The turdis outside Flinders st station...mid winter is smells like a wheelie bin out the back of the fish monger at Vic Market on a hot summers day. Revolting..self cleaning? I don't think so. Worst idea ever,
by au174 (score: 0|2) 2337 days ago
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