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How to Get to Work Late in Melbourne

Home > Melbourne > Misc | Lists
Published April 10th 2012
1. Get a Myki card (or charge it up), and catch your train.
Myki info

Mystery Trip Ticket, you know where you're going, you've just got no idea when you'll get there.
You've got a double whammy here - the queue, and if you make it to the front, you have to figure out how the machine works before your train leaves. Best to set off the night before if you want to be sure of getting to work on time.

There seems to be three areas you have to negotiate when re charging the Myki card. The information screen is off to the left. You have to read that, whilst holding the actual card up against a part of the machine that is in the middle. Then remove your sock and shoe, place your bank card between your big toe and the toe next to it. Then push your bank card in the slot on the furthest part on the other side of the machine. Hello ticket twister, goodbye train. What a kerfuffle.

You could use money of course, but it only takes notes and doesn't give you any change. Mighty generous of it. At least they saved the wage for someone to sell you a ticket. No they didn't, a guy has to stand there and explain all the pitfalls and hold your sock and shoe if you're paying by card.

As they spent all the money on thinking up a system for the ticket, by the time they came to design a vending machine, the money for overseas research (trips/junkets) was gone. They had to bring the guy who originally designed the railway line between NSW and Victoria out of retirement to do it.

Read all about it!
Although, you've got to admit, it's really hi tech looking (not). It reminds me of the newspaper vending machines you used to see in old film noir movies. There's a brick inside stopping the new tickets from blowing away. What an old clunker surely we've got the Leyland P76 all over again?

The biggest crime that these people have perpetrated (Public Transport and Government) is to the Tourism Industry. Unless tourists start bringing their own vehicles, they are not going to be able to go anywhere when they get here. Cause you can't get a bloomin ticket anywhere. If a tourist had the misfortune of actually finding a machine to get a ticket, he'd have to be Houdini to be able to negotiate all the buttons. Bye, bye tourism.

The end result will be tourists using the transport without a ticket and they'll meet up with transport's finest. They won't ever be coming back to Australia after that, it's a vicious circle I tell you (what the city loop?). It's missing a why?

Who's paying for all these? The change the Myki machine keeps I expect.
'Melbourne, the world's most liveable city, if you're wondering why we've got so many blue bikes parked everywhere, it's because we can't figure out a public transport system, so go pedal yourself'.

The transport system has got so bad and everything arrives so late a lot of people think it's improved. As trains and buses are turning up so late, they're early.

2. Find a parking meter since you went by car, as the train was cancelled, and then if you find one that lets you park for more than 15 minutes, find one that accepts legal tender.
Wiki's view on fines.

Meter out the pain.
5c pieces are the most discriminated coin in a whole pocket of change.

The Government have no cents.
Make up your mind society leaders, either discontinue 5 cent coins, like the brown coins. They are a waste of time, even the beggers in the city won't take them (I thought that was a crime?). Parking meters should take them, it's ludicrous. Mind you, you'd need a hundred of them to park for 5 Minutes.

Also I don't know what you're playing at with the 15 minute parking, the other day I had to park on a 15 minute meter. I got out, locked the car, paid the $100, walked to the light and just missed the green man, saw some tourists crossing on the red. Then I finally got to the other side of the road, 7 minutes had passed. Do I make a run for it and see if I can scale 10 floors in a lift, find reception grab my parcel and get back to the car in another 8 minutes? Damn there goes another minute?

Gee it would have been easier for me to organise a London Eye at Docklands. No I can't make it. I wandered back to my car with a forlorn look on my face, I caught someone's eye "sorry I haven't got any change" they said?

3. A working public phone to call a taxi when all else fails.
Public phone locater

They never have one when I've needed one. But, if you can believe it, I checked out 10 of them in the city and even though I didn't ring one of them, not one was vandalised? I contemplated vandalising one myself for this article, but weighed up, getting caught against the 1 cent I get here per view, which isn't even legal tender. This probably means I won't get paid for this article unless it cracks the five views.

So when all else fails so does this, usually.

I just realised why they aren't vandalised anymore, everyone has a mobile phone so there isn't any money in them.

4. Use public transport and actually get to work on time.
Gypsies, Trams & peeved.
Needn't have bothered.

I'm not saying anything about the French but, look what our train system is called now? Metro? Remind you of anything? Still, their one actually works fine.

I remember when I first started work, night guy would always bugger up morning guy, invariably I'd miss the train, and you'd always feel the cringe that formed when you would tell your boss "Er ... the bloody trains." A raised disbelieving eyebrow and cringing moment all round. I must have been a good worker.

I have had the misfortune to use the trains again. The Myki (was this named after the Ukrainian who invented it?) needs recutting, it doesn't fit the lock. What a debacle.

It's Training again.
I usually get to the station three quarters of an hour before the train is due. I (after the charge up) get onto the platform, 2 minutes before the train is due. "The 10.26 has been cancelled, the next train departing from platform 2, will be next week when the elephants bring in our new supplies of alarm clocks, the driver has slept in, he said something about night guy".

Not even an apology, it's an absolute joke. Still I guess they are in the same boat as I used to be? Night guy went on a rampage the night before, and let morning guy down. Night guy didn't have to make up the cock and bull excuses day after day like poor old morning guy had to.

I've just realised why everything on the Melbourne Public Transport System is cancelled or late, it's so you've got time to get a ticket?

If you are wondering what the hell this morning and night guy thing is, it's a gag from Seinfeld. Which is pretty funny. If you are the sort of person that can't bring yourself to go to bed, you're night guy, now you're getting it, poor old morning guy (can I be done for plagiarism here?).



5. Have your Boss believe the excuse you give for being late when it is true.
CNN site

A CNN site with a few excuses you may want to use.
"The plan is, we get every one sacked for being late to work. Then there will be room on the trains again.


Oh well we can always drive in to work ... yeah right.
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Why? I can't tell you?
When: Usually late.
Where: I can't tell you that either?
Cost: An arm and a leg.
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Your Comment
Yep, there's no way I'm going to buy a Myki card, not until they rip out every one of the machines for the old cards. Which unfortunately sounds like it will be happening soon :(
by Sue Williams (score: 2|829) 2047 days ago
This gave me a good laugh. Well done Andrew!
by mkpal (score: 0|5) 2038 days ago
I have been using the system for near on 12 months now. I hate it! I hate it even more since yesterday when a visitor from interstate was travelling into the city with me for an appointment. I realised the night before that all of the Metcard machines have been removed and so thought surely they would see a 2 hour at the newsagent for such a requirement. No. My visitor was forced to fork out $13 for a 15 minute trip to the city. WHAT A JOKE!!!!!!!!!! One way to kill tourism you idiots!
by jolee (score: 1|12) 2021 days ago
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