Which Nightclubs Should Be Avoided in Melbourne?

by Chris Sutton (subscribe)

As Melburnians, we are blessed with some of the best night life in the world. The CBD boasts a club on nearly every corner, or down every alleyway. Often a good night depends on company and the financial situation, but the venue also decides how enjoyable the outing will be. So here I pose the question - which nightclubs should we avoid when hitting the city?

My first candidate is Cloud 9 on King Street, a club that didn't even let me in. In the week leading up to the Saturday night, I made a guest list (under my name, for my birthday) and was guaranteed VIP access and cheap entry for my friends and I. We arrived early on the night, second in line (a queue that stretched all the way down the street) and waited 45 minutes before a bouncer started letting people in. The six of us (three male, three female) were rejected - because we had never been there before - and when I stressed the guest list they continually said 'not tonight'. A friend ended up getting inside and said we missed nothing special - the crowd wasn't friendly, the rooftop was overrated and the staff were rude.

Another place to avoid during the early hours of the weekend is The Provincial on Brunswick street. Usually the pub/bar is vibrant and easy going, but when the club room hits top speed it becomes a place to avoid. On the two occasions I've attended there have been fights, and the bouncers seem more intent on ushering tipsy dancers out of the building instead of trouble makers and brawlers. Buying a drink becomes a hassle with too few staff behind the bar, and the dance floor is tiny (with pillars everywhere). The street boasts better locations, so I advise you steer clear and try another venue.

Last but not least, unfortunately, are the clubs at Crown Casino. Sure, there is choice and heaps of space, but everything is so pretentious. The girl to guy ratio is always examined, the dress code changes weekly in the mind of the bouncers, drinks are overpriced and hitting the dance floor can become almost intimidating. To enjoy your night here, the best option is to arrive really early (dressed to impress everyone), make use of pre-11pm drink specials and be with a large group. The different options do construct appeal, but the amount of enjoyable clubs outweighs the desire.


I'll leave the next nominations up to you.

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