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Triassic Attack – DVD Review

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by Steven G (subscribe)
Too much tertiary education... Former performer/wrestler, teacher, scientist... Published author ( & Father... Want to be a writer if I grow up...
Published February 6th 2020
So bad it's good sort of
No long-winded introductions here. I watched a film that I think everyone should know about because it is so bizarre. The film is Triassic Attack (2010), a Syfy original, and this film is… interesting.

How's that for an opening?
Triassic Attack, film, movie, skeleton, dinosaur, DVD, cover

Yes, we are back to the so bad they're good movies. And, yes, I have seen this film maybe four times now, but now that I own the DVD that's going to only go up. It is one of those films that you can't stop watching. This one is a shameless rip-off of the concept of Jurassic Park but with enough changes to make it different.

And weird.

Really weird.

I haven't seen this cinematic masterpiece it since maybe 2014. However, I got into a conversation on Twitter and was inspired to get hold of a copy. So… let's watch this together, shall we?

Something happens in a water tower. Then opening credits, and the screed '24 hours earlier…' Oh goody, we're starting half-way through the film to get us interested, then jumping backwards.

A university bought some land off native Americans, but they claim they didn't know what they were getting into despite cashing the money. We also establish that a cop is divorcing his wife, and their daughter is smart but independent. So… the cop has to arrest his uncle at a protest, then lets the guy go and the uncle does some mystic magic crap and brings some dinosaur skeletons to life.

Triassic Attack, film, movie, skeleton, dinosaur

Yeah, no slow build-up of tension here. Just wham, bam, kill you ma'am.

First, one skeleton destroys an excavation site. Then one (a Pteranodon) kills a couple of palaeontology students, then a tyrannosaur (I think; maybe an allosaur… does it matter? it's a freakin' living skeleton) kills some fraternity morons… Meanwhile, the cop and his ex go to save their daughter from the frat party. They see dead kids but that's okay because none are their daughter. Seriously, that's their attitude.

Nifty dramatic rotating camera shot! (How bad is a film when I get excited by a camera technique?)

The cop runs over one of the skeletons and it is destroyed, but then it reforms. Quick side note – they make noises, they can see and they track. They are skeletons with no autonomous nervous system or anything to vibrate to create noise or for light to reflect on so they can see…

Am I nit-picking? Or is this getting stupider? And would it be nit-picky to mention that none of the creatures in the picture lived in the Triassic Period?

Okay, so now we're at the same scene as the start of the film, and they're being chased by the third skeleton – a raptor of some sort.

The daughter finds the mystic uncle and he has a vision but can't stop what he started. Oh, the acting is so wonderful! This is… hilarious. I can't stop watching. Now the cop calls in the ROTC and they all go to the university. The uncle and daughter and her boyfriend also go there.

Now we have a speech where the president of the university (the mum's new boyfriend) is trying to get donors to give money. Of course, the Pteranodon skeleton attacks. The uncle, daughter and boyfriend try some ceremony to stop it. The Dean is killed. The ROTC is about as effective as astrology against gout. People are gathered, weapons are found. An annoying kid is saved.

Did I mention how awful the acting is? Did I mention how stupid this is? I am loving this!

So now the cop and a couple of ROTC guys blow up the tyrannosaur and the Pteranodon. Of course, they recombine… into one huge amalgamated pteranotyranno(allo)saur hybrid stupid thing. Really stupid… basically, I think they just wanted a flying tyrannosaur because that'd look cool. Maybe it would… but not as a skeleton! The daughter gets in touch with the cop, and tells him she believes the uncle. Not good. Acting, scripting or anything else.
Triassic Attack, film, movie, skeleton, dinosaur

The raptor skeleton escapes from the water tower scene.

This is crazy-stupid.

The Native American ceremony takes place, using the Big Book of Stereotyped Clichés as its starting guide. Did I mention Emilia Clarke plays the daughter? Well, she does, and her acting is as bad as the rest. I'll bet she's wiped this one off her resumé! So, back to the ceremony, and they call forth the rain so lightning can kill the stupid monster-thing. The uncle (who is named Dakota) is attacked, the boyfriend is skewered, the daughter flees. The cop arrives just in the nick of time (of course) to save the daughter and we set up triage inside the museum…

The uncle gives an impassioned death-bed speech despite not dying, and tells the cop that he (the cop) knows what to do because he is a part Native American… because that makes sense. Mum and mum's boyfriend arrive at the museum. So… now we come to the big ending thing.

The daughter convinces dad (just like that, despite him being such an overbearing… oh, look, it's stupid. In stupid films, stupid characters do stupid things. Live with it) she can do the ritual to attract the monster so dad/cop can make lightning/electricity to kill it. President/boyfriend is helping, so is a guy named Wyatt. And we see lots of scenes of setting up with no sign of the monster-thing at all. Because it has to give them time to set up. What a considerate monster-thing!

Did I mention how stupid this movie is? Did I? Because it is.

Of course, things go wrong. The electricity thing doesn't work and one of the female characters hurts an ankle. No, seriously – she hurts her freakin' ankle. Must have tripped on a cliché lying on the ground or something. Wyatt is fried (but survives). The monster is blipped by electricity. And… the raptor appears. The mum uses herself as bait, dad is zapped and the little one is blipped as well.

And it's over in, like, 2 minutes. That ending was… quick. But – and I will give it this – nice lightning effects in the skeletons.
Triassic Attack, film, movie, skeleton, lightning, dinosaur

And we fast forward to the opening of a centre where university and Native American stuff is combined. Apparently cop and mum are back together. Daughter is still with bland boyfriend. Uncle is accepted by the community and university.

The End.

Did I mention this was stupid? But, by God, it was a fun ride. It made no sense from any stand-point whatsoever, but I could not stop watching it. The president/boyfriend reminded me of some-one, then it struck me – he played Nigel in Top Secret with Val Kilmer! I had to look through my DVD collection, but there he was/is. So, what do you think was worse for him – playing against a monster, or against dinosaur skeletons?

Anyway, that's Triassic Attack – another in the long list of bad films I have collected over the years and yet will watch over and over again.

Happy viewing!

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