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Published June 5th 2012
Single and Looking for Love?
Many of us singles are on a seemingly ceaseless search for love. Or lust. Whichever comes first really.
It can fester and foment in our thoughts until it becomes an obsession. But there are some quick and easy options out of this dating dilemma - read on for some tips from the talented.
Join a Political Party It's important to know what you're looking for before signing up to join a political party.
. Conservative parties such as Liberals are more generally associated with same-sex partnerships (behind closed doors of course), or sex with animals. A bit if spanking and dressing up (private school uniform preferred) is also de rigeur. Just look at all the UK Tory scandals over the years.
If wife swapping, public sex, and orgies are your preference, then Labour is a good choice. Think massive Ministerial desks and Members bars. Prostitutes are allowed too, if done on the union's tab.
The Communist party and its sister Socialists are best avoided as sex is generally frowned upon. This can leave you in the solitary situation of solo sex. Not a good look. Remember, the Party comes first.
The Greens are good for most things. Homo/bi/try-sexuality are all obvious options, and open air sex is good for the environment too.
Whichever party you choose, a successful Member will not want to be known for his member. So don't email photos of your private partying to your secretary/mistress/toyboy.
Walking Your Dog It's surprising how often romance can blossom with a dog. No I don't mean WITH a dog, I'm talking about people admiring your dog while you're walking it. Now it helps if you have a handsome heeler, or an athletic Afghan, because a bloated bulldog just won't do it.
But whatever you do, do not permit your dog to hump the person you talk to, or their dog. There is a limit to the power of suggestion.
Self Serve Laundromats
Laundromats may not spring to mind as the Mecca to meet your partner, but don't underestimate them. There's an opportunity to showcase your sexy underwear discreetly, although the cost of driers mounts quickly. (Do be sure your undies won't scorch too).
I'm afraid Target is trash, K Mart is kooky, and Woolies is worse. Think Calvin Klein, Victoria's Secret, or Agent Provacateur. If you must bring out the Bonds then hide the label.
At a laundromat your smalls can lead to big things
Once you have spotted a potential partner, try to find common ground. Ask her/his opinion on a product. Pop a question about the pork. But don't suggest the sausage and bear away from the bananas.
The Local Library
Libraries used to be popular cruising grounds for red blooded males, but equal opportunities means you no longer can be sure the librarian is a female.
I'm not guaranteeing that there will be drag queens, just that there are as many male librarians now. This has brought on a resurgence in reading in the gay community, but if you're hetero the pickings are slimmer.
On the plus side, being noisy in libraries is positively encouraged now. So if you get lucky nobody will notice moaning or heavy breathing coming from behind the Art section.
Go to Church
Choosing a church is your first step, and may give you added encouragement. For example, some elements of the Mormon Church favour polygamy. So if having multiple partners is your thing, then look no further.
Surprisingly Catholics are quite catholic in their tastes - I was once cruised by a cleric at a club in Cork, Ireland.
Your average churchgoer tends to be in the older age bracket, which is fine if you have mature tastes. If not, the potential for compensation from wealthy worshippers may help.
Pulling a parishioner needs practice, so regular church attendance is almost mandatory if you plan to be successful. If you sit instead of kneeling, or steal the priest's ring rather than kissing it, then your well laid plans may come unstuck.
If you like someone younger you could try for a street preacher, but your ears will ache before any other organ gets strained. And judging by the number of losing lawsuits they attract, you won't get rich either.
At the Gym
A gym offers great opportunities to show off your assets. Stand outside for a few minutes and watch people coming and going - get my drift? It's enough to tempt even a priest to get defrocked.
However, be aware that many gyms cater for a specific crowd. Sometimes sports stars. Lesbians. Overweight people. Gays. Retired people. So make sure that the gym that you join matches what you're seeking.
It might be better to join a fitness class, such as yoga, Tae Kwon Do or pilates. At least a class environment encourages classmates to converse.
Take a Holiday
It's rather tacky to holiday in a third world country where nubile young people throw themselves into your bed for the price of a drink. Enjoyable maybe, but not something to advertise to friends.
But taking a vacation can help you relax, put a smile on your face, and make you look a whole lot more attractive.
Bars and Pubs
If you seriously expect to find the love of your life at a drinking establishment, you really don't have a clue. Pubs are for drinking. Clubs are for coke. Bars are for boys and bragging.
If you commit the cardinal crime of bringing someone back in a Fosters fueled frenzy, you will get what you deserve. The first thing to remember is that your partner will never look as good in the morning. In fact you're lucky if they look just plain butt ugly.
Another thing to be aware of - taking a bucket with you to bed does not look sexy. If you feel a turbulent tummy coming on, desert your date before departing to your destination. My favourite line: "Just going to the loo" as you sneak silently out a side exit. "Hold my drink" is another good one, as it totally foils your friend from following.
Single doesnt suck! It s got benefits like noone telling you need to do this and that. and that isnt just women .You can spend your money where u want eat what u want go where u want holiday where u want.After being married 22 years` and him pulling the pin I have found bonuses in being seperate.Going out with whom i want .having fun.Dancing Just letting kids know basic movements and vias versa.Yes it has drawbacks but better than having someone negative and stormy around house.Unhappy and not needing to be there.this is such a great time of my life.Makes up for occasional lonliness.
I recently had my first date in 18 months (yep, courtesy of RSVP) - the outcome: I "wasn't suitable for dating but hey, feel free to apply for a job in my area of government" (Immigration - visa processing). Yee hah - so romantic!!
You can join our events for singles 30+ yrs which are activity based, in small groups of up to 24 people, with a variety of activities to try and no membership fees or joining fees. Seewww.ozlinksocial.com.au for details