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Top Ten Ways To Pick Up a Partner

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by Dave Walsh (subscribe)
I enjoy writing about Adelaide and its many attractions. If you think Adelaide is boring, the problem is not with Adelaide. Please click the link to Like my articles, and subscribe to see more.
Published June 5th 2012
Single and Looking for Love?

Many of us singles are on a seemingly ceaseless search for love. Or lust. Whichever comes first really.

Let this plumber play with your pipes?
Let this plumber play with your pipes?

It can fester and foment in our thoughts until it becomes an obsession. But there are some quick and easy options out of this dating dilemma - read on for some tips from the talented.

Join a Political Party
It's important to know what you're looking for before signing up to join a political party.
Conservative parties such as Liberals are more generally associated with same-sex partnerships (behind closed doors of course), or sex with animals. A bit if spanking and dressing up (private school uniform preferred) is also de rigeur. Just look at all the UK Tory scandals over the years.

Politician's playthings
Politician's playthings

If wife swapping, public sex, and orgies are your preference, then Labour is a good choice. Think massive Ministerial desks and Members bars. Prostitutes are allowed too, if done on the union's tab.

The Communist party and its sister Socialists are best avoided as sex is generally frowned upon. This can leave you in the solitary situation of solo sex. Not a good look. Remember, the Party comes first.

The Greens are good for most things. Homo/bi/try-sexuality are all obvious options, and open air sex is good for the environment too.

Whichever party you choose, a successful Member will not want to be known for his member. So don't email photos of your private partying to your secretary/mistress/toyboy.

Walking Your Dog
It's surprising how often romance can blossom with a dog. No I don't mean WITH a dog, I'm talking about people admiring your dog while you're walking it. Now it helps if you have a handsome heeler, or an athletic Afghan, because a bloated bulldog just won't do it.

But whatever you do, do not permit your dog to hump the person you talk to, or their dog. There is a limit to the power of suggestion.

Desperation is not a good look
Desperation is not a good look

The Beach
The beach can be a great dating opportunity, but there are some things to remember.

Speedo's are great providing you are reasonably fit. But if you are at all fruity, then forget it. Pear and melon shapes do not suit Speedos.

Photo: Hy Crutchett (Wikimedia Commons)

Baring your body is beaut, but baring buttocks is a big no no. Except of course at a nudist beach.

Bare buttocks will earn you a spanking from the Law
Bare buttocks will earn you a spanking from the Law

Self Serve Laundromats
Laundromats may not spring to mind as the Mecca to meet your partner, but don't underestimate them. There's an opportunity to showcase your sexy underwear discreetly, although the cost of driers mounts quickly. (Do be sure your undies won't scorch too).

I'm afraid Target is trash, K Mart is kooky, and Woolies is worse. Think Calvin Klein, Victoria's Secret, or Agent Provacateur. If you must bring out the Bonds then hide the label.

At a laundromat your smalls can lead to big things
At a laundromat your smalls can lead to big things

At the Supermarket
Cruising at the supermarket stipulates special skills. Lurking round the lingerie and camping by condoms looks common.

All aisles can lead to the meet
All aisles can lead to the meet

Once you have spotted a potential partner, try to find common ground. Ask her/his opinion on a product. Pop a question about the pork. But don't suggest the sausage and bear away from the bananas.

The Local Library
Libraries used to be popular cruising grounds for red blooded males, but equal opportunities means you no longer can be sure the librarian is a female.

I'm not guaranteeing that there will be drag queens, just that there are as many male librarians now. This has brought on a resurgence in reading in the gay community, but if you're hetero the pickings are slimmer.

Skulking near Sex Education seems sleazy
Skulking near Sex Education seems sleazy

On the plus side, being noisy in libraries is positively encouraged now. So if you get lucky nobody will notice moaning or heavy breathing coming from behind the Art section.

Go to Church
Choosing a church is your first step, and may give you added encouragement. For example, some elements of the Mormon Church favour polygamy. So if having multiple partners is your thing, then look no further.

Surprisingly Catholics are quite catholic in their tastes - I was once cruised by a cleric at a club in Cork, Ireland.

Your average churchgoer tends to be in the older age bracket, which is fine if you have mature tastes. If not, the potential for compensation from wealthy worshippers may help.

Pulling a parishioner needs practice, so regular church attendance is almost mandatory if you plan to be successful. If you sit instead of kneeling, or steal the priest's ring rather than kissing it, then your well laid plans may come unstuck.

St Patrick's Cathedral, Dublin
St Patrick's Cathedral, Dublin

If you like someone younger you could try for a street preacher, but your ears will ache before any other organ gets strained. And judging by the number of losing lawsuits they attract, you won't get rich either.

At the Gym
A gym offers great opportunities to show off your assets. Stand outside for a few minutes and watch people coming and going - get my drift? It's enough to tempt even a priest to get defrocked.

Gyms help you develop your assets
Gyms help you develop your assets

However, be aware that many gyms cater for a specific crowd. Sometimes sports stars. Lesbians. Overweight people. Gays. Retired people. So make sure that the gym that you join matches what you're seeking.

It might be better to join a fitness class, such as yoga, Tae Kwon Do or pilates. At least a class environment encourages classmates to converse.

Take a Holiday
It's rather tacky to holiday in a third world country where nubile young people throw themselves into your bed for the price of a drink. Enjoyable maybe, but not something to advertise to friends.

But taking a vacation can help you relax, put a smile on your face, and make you look a whole lot more attractive.

A smile will beat a chat up line
A smile will beat a chat up line

Bars and Pubs
If you seriously expect to find the love of your life at a drinking establishment, you really don't have a clue. Pubs are for drinking. Clubs are for coke. Bars are for boys and bragging.

Bars are for serious drinking, not romance
Bars are for serious drinking, not romance

If you commit the cardinal crime of bringing someone back in a Fosters fueled frenzy, you will get what you deserve. The first thing to remember is that your partner will never look as good in the morning. In fact you're lucky if they look just plain butt ugly.

Another thing to be aware of - taking a bucket with you to bed does not look sexy. If you feel a turbulent tummy coming on, desert your date before departing to your destination. My favourite line: "Just going to the loo" as you sneak silently out a side exit. "Hold my drink" is another good one, as it totally foils your friend from following.


La Belle Dame Sans Merci
La Belle Dame Sans Merci

When you have successfully scored your sex slave, what next? It's probably so long since you actually got naked that you have forgotten where to go from here.

Might I respectfully recommend Top 10 Fun Ways to Get Naked in Public?

After all, now you have come so far you might as well flaunt it!
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Why? Because being single sucks
When: No time like the present
Where: Anywhere you dare
Cost: Varies
Your Comment
Lol how did joining a political party work out for you?! Silly me joined a women's gym :)
by Michelle Coates (score: 2|529) 3333 days ago
Never thought about going to church to pick up someone, seems a bit wrong somehow
by jayboy (score: 1|68) 3297 days ago
Single doesnt suck! It s got benefits like noone telling you need to do this and that. and that isnt just women .You can spend your money where u want eat what u want go where u want holiday where u want.After being married 22 years` and him pulling the pin I have found bonuses in being seperate.Going out with whom i want .having fun.Dancing Just letting kids know basic movements and vias versa.Yes it has drawbacks but better than having someone negative and stormy around house.Unhappy and not needing to be there.this is such a great time of my life.Makes up for occasional lonliness.
by paulie (score: 0|9) 3331 days ago
This was fun- though I am not in on the look out.
by annma (score: 0|7) 3334 days ago
I recently had my first date in 18 months (yep, courtesy of RSVP) - the outcome: I "wasn't suitable for dating but hey, feel free to apply for a job in my area of government" (Immigration - visa processing). Yee hah - so romantic!!
by Jenny Pickett (score: 3|1725) 2886 days ago
by lexys (score: 1|17) 3142 days ago
You can join our events for singles 30+ yrs which are activity based, in small groups of up to 24 people, with a variety of activities to try and no membership fees or joining fees. for details
by m.kre (score: 0|5) 2767 days ago
I notice you haven't shared the location :D
by Dave Walsh (score: 4|11307) 3331 days ago
Thanks :)
Might have to save the online tips for part 2?
by Dave Walsh (score: 4|11307) 3330 days ago
Well the poor souls are probably lonely!

After all, with dwindling numbers of parishioners you would be doing a public service to comfort one :)
by Dave Walsh (score: 4|11307) 3297 days ago
Greens are good ;)
by Dave Walsh (score: 4|11307) 3333 days ago
Glad you liked it!
I'm not really either lol
by Dave Walsh (score: 4|11307) 3334 days ago
oh so you're not into facebook and internet stuff are you? interesting though. :)
by Flor Kleine (score: 0|6) 3330 days ago
Plenty of gorgeous girls in the library where I work ;-p
by gilli (score: 2|134) 3331 days ago
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