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The Top 3 Spots for Breaking Up in Brisbane

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by Ryan Metcalfe (subscribe)
Writer of The Comedy Critique -
Published January 8th 2014
How and where to break free from the shackles
Breaking up is hard to do. Whether you're a heartless warrior or a kind soul, looking someone in the eye and telling them they're not number 1 anymore is never fun. It's an ugly pill to swallow for anyone and often tends to lead to tears, begging, and severe loss of pride.

It's socially accepted these days that break-ups should be done in private, respectfully and with long drawn out pauses. That's wrong. When dumping your soon-to-be ex, it should be in public where there are at least three easily accessible exits. The last thing you need is to be cornered by a blubbering snot-ball loudly reminding you of every single nice thing you ever said to them. It's ugly and very manipulative. Watching your former loved one lose all pride and dignity is like watching a new born kitten, abandoned by its mother, blindly stumble around trying to suckle from thin air. You just want to pick it up and present your breast, right? No. It has to be quick, and it has to be in public.

Before we go, emailing/bbm'ing/whatsapping/texting/skyping/any form of impersonal communication is a huge no-no. That's how we create stalkers. There's nothing more cowardly than breaking up over text... So do it person instead, and run!

So here are the top 3 places in Brisbane that are best suited for public break-ups.

1. Suncorp Stadium during a sold-out concert (preferably Golden Circle)

Suncorp Stadium
Lots of people, many exits

I'd suggest this for the quick and nimble. It's risky if you're not so good at slipping through crowds in a mosh-pit. This also requires pinpoint timing.

Do nothing until the main event. Many people have failed in this location by jumping the gun and delivering the "Let's be friends" line during the warm-up acts. There's usually not enough people around to prevent the blubbering ex from grabbing your feet and not allowing you to leave until you take them back.

Wait for the lights to go out, the crowd to go crazy, and the popular band leader to say "Hello Brisbane!" Turn around and blurt out "I'm breaking up with you, you're not cool anymore, don't call me" before ducking (always duck, the common reaction to this will be the desperate hug) and disappearing into the masses. Classic manoeuvre and, if timed perfectly, works every time.

Pros: Easy escape, often jammed phone reception, good music.
Cons: Heartless, may have to change locks, expect to lose half of shared friends.

Suggested Event: Eminem 20th February.

2. Langlands Park Memorial Pool

A pool
For swimming and breaking hearts

This option requires you to be a top notch swimmer and your partner, to not be. In fact this may only work if said partner's only stroke is doggy paddle.

Langlands Park Memorial Pool is situated in Greenslopes, right next to the Langlands Park Busway Station which is a good option for when you've escaped the pool. The location boasts an awesome, partly shaded 50m pool and a large paddle pool for kids. The staff are very friendly and the venue is clean and welcoming. Perfect for putting your unsuspecting partner at ease before dropping the bombshell.

Timing is essential here. Make sure you are both in the middle of the pool. Claim cramp and wait for your partner to get close, but not too close, you don't want to be drowned by a desperate soon-to-be ex. Once they are close enough, say the following very fast, so that it takes a few seconds for them to process "Break-up me, with you!"

Then swim. Swim true and swim hard. Your ex-partner will be doggy paddling for life after you, but crying and swimming is hard and you're sure to be sitting on a bus by the time they've towelled off.

Pros: Good Exercise. Heated pool.
Cons: Heartless. Partner may drown of heartache.

3. Logan Ikea

Ikea Logo
Swedish heaven, or heartbreak hotel?

There's no greater maze in the world. Ikea is designed to drive us insane, while at the same time, hypnotising us to believe that we are happy and Swedish. There are so many nice things in Ikea. Too many. It's the perfect location for a heartless act, since the venue itself has an energy sapping, heartless feel to it.

A warning. Ikea will weaken you. The moment you arrive, the thought of being single and alone will scare you into staying with your partner. With so many wonderfully designed, cheap, homely products you could find yourself buying 15 tealight holders and a pendant lamp shade for the house that you don't live in yet, where you've already planned on where your children will sleep. You could walk into Ikea planning to leave single, but end up driving away, married, with a car full of flatpack furniture, and an ice cream... and a hot dog. Ikea is strong with dark forces, so this location is best for the cold hearted looking for a proper heartless break-up.

If you're still keen on this idea, then you really are cold inside, and there's nothing I can share that you don't already know. Just go anywhere in Ikea, say the words "I brought you here to ruin your life. I place eternal doom on you. Goodbye" Your ex will be surrounded by happy couples, genius Swedish designed storage units at a great price and no direct exit that doesn't take an hour to find. Your partner will never leave Ikea, he/she will vapourise into a mist of self pity.

Pro's: You could probably grab one of these interesting looking Asunden Laundry Baskets at a good price. $1 hot dogs.

Cons: Darkness will consume you.

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Why? Everyone needs an escape plan
Your Comment
Great article, Ryan. I'll never view IKEA in quite the same light any more.
by Geraldine Massey (score: 3|8170) 2756 days ago
Ikea. Definitely Ikea. Then they can drown their sorrows in Swedish meatballs. They'll probably end up thanking you.
by Carly Ogborne (score: 3|4626) 2757 days ago
Haha, this is gold!
by Tom (score: 2|798) 2758 days ago
Love it!
by jilli (score: 1|10) 2755 days ago
I agree with Karen that its cruel. I understand why you say you want to keep it short however to avoid stretching it out. The concert is nasty (shades of Brand and Perry) as is the pool. Ikea sounds better but has its traps as you say.
Some friends of mine had a big fight there once, now its got me wondering mmmmmmmm. Barb
by Barb Jeffs (score: 1|90) 2756 days ago
I realise this is designed for the headline impact sound grab and supposed to be funny, but quite frankly I find this tasteless and cruel. Ryan are you so sure you'll always be the one swimming away after plunging the knife in? Maybe next time it will be you blubbering? I will not be reading anymore articles by you on this site.
by Karen (score: 0|2) 2757 days ago
Love this! IKEA is my fave lol
by lozzlepop (score: 0|2) 2757 days ago
I can't place this on To Do List Ryan, but that's classic. I'm still laughing.
by Deborah McGrath (score: 1|21) 2758 days ago
by kerry (score: 0|3) 2758 days ago
So funny!! Loved the Ikea one x
by bjol8 (score: 0|2) 2755 days ago
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