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The World Cup Survival Guide

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It all starts with 198 nations that compete for over a year for a place among the elite 32. These 32 teams will play in a tournament that runs for 32 days from 11th June 11th July and around 715.1 million of you from across the globe will gather around televisions and tune in to watch the highs and lows of the beautiful game - the greatest show on earth. Love it or hate it no other sporting event captures the attention of the world quite like it. Whether you are a die-hard fan, or need a reminder of what a goal is - this is the ten step survival guide for South Africa 2010.

Listen to the Official World Cup Song Waka Waka

A survival tip for everyone, the official World Cup song Waka Waka sees pop princess Shakira team up with leading South African musicians Freshlyground for a rousing World Cup anthem. For those of you who will be ticking off the days until the end of the tournament you can always look forward to the live performance during the final. Besides the fact that the song is instantly catchy Shakira makes a welcome change from watching 32 days of men running around in tight shorts.

Blow off some steam outside

Grown men playing a game for boys should inspire the most couch laden among you to venture outside and blow off some steam. Nothing beats dealing with a loss like a brisk walk or a full blown, home grown footie match. In no time you'll be wondering why you weren't donning your team's national colours and leading them to victory. Think you are too old for this? The oldest player to ever play in a world cup is Cameroons Roger Milla who scored an unforgettable goal for his country at the ripe age of 42. So those of you under the age of 75 you really have no excuse.

The significant other red card

The significant other red card is not sex specific and should not be dealt out lightly. If you find yourself in a relationship where one of you has your eyes glued to the screen during a quarter final penalty shootout while the other is begging to change the channel you may find yourself forced to issue the red card. Before it gets to this stage you should follow the Fifa regulations and start with yellow cards for less serious infractions during the qualifying stages. Two yellows will result in a red, a one match ban and ejection from the viewing area during match time. A crucial tip for a happy and long lasting relationship. Don't believe how serious this issue is? Look no further.

Relaxation Tips

Unless you find yourself in the enviable position of being Brazilian or Spanish this tournament will most likely see your nations journey through the World Cup wrought with minor bouts of joy followed by long drawn out periods of depression and reflection. Football, Soccer, Foosball at its best is 90 minutes of torture, so if you are finding yourself highly strung and reaching for that bottle of Jack 10 minutes into the first match use this list of 10 easy relaxation tips instead, at least until half time rolls around. They can't ensure that your team takes home the trophy but they will make sure that whatever happens you are as placid as a Hindu cow come the final whistle. If any proof is needed about the benefits of pre and post game relaxation techniques look no further than the UK where one week before the tournament even starts they are already screening TV promos for a show called World Cup Casualty!

Supplies

This is World Cup 101 ensure the fridge is stocked, the beers chilled and that you have a table covered with enough nibbles to feed five times your typical hunger threshold. World Cup football causes stress eating and having no food of course breeds more stress. Keep a phone and local pizza delivery number on you at all times.

Don't buy into the press hype

Heroes and villains are created in the World Cup in a matter of split seconds. Minnows will beat giants and superstars will come up short. The press wheel will be turning so fast that it will set fire and an early loss or draw will mean the end of the world. Don't buy into the hype, in the end Murdoch won't be on the pitch for the 90 minutes that count and the beauty of the beautiful game is there is no such thing as a sure thing.

Watch Nike Write the Future

Struggling to get excited about the action? Watch Nike doing what it does best with the Write the Future advert. Three minutes of unbridled football fantasy that may even turn the staunchest critic into a fan.

Have an alternate team to support

32 teams have made it to this stage and only 1 is going to take home the trophy. So, so what if you go out in the first round dig down deep into the roots of the family tree or, just support the team who wear your favourite coloured kit. Always have an alternative as it makes defeat a far more bearable prospect.

Location, Location, Location

Find a place to take the atmosphere in, the world cup only comes around every 4 years and watching at home alone or in a dour atmosphere just won't get the job done. Throw the party, go to the party, find a local that is full of like minded fanatics ready to soak up the emotion and you will find no matter the result a certain fraternity is quickly formed.

The basics

Without the need of the cruelty of being country specific know the game! If you are a novice to the world of football (with the feet) then just read up on the basics rules. Goals are good, cards are bad and if you're English penalties lead to an early holiday. The FA can teach you the basics quickly and painlessly.

Most importantly of all enjoy the show!
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Why? It's the Greatest Show on Earth
When: June 11th - July 11th
Where: South Africa
Cost: Free
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