The Way I Used to Be - Book Review

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The Way I Used To Be by Amber Smith is a poignant, emotionally charged novel that delves into the challenging themes of trauma, survival and recovery through the story of Eden “Edie” McCrorey, a young girl who is sexually assaulted by her brother’s best friend. This book doesn’t shy away from depicting the complex and often painful realities of healing, illustrating how trauma can permeate every aspect of a survivor’s life. Structured across Edie’s four years of high school, the novel provides a nuanced exploration of the ways trauma affects relationships, self-perception and one’s sense of control in the world.

The book opens with Edie as an innocent, naïve freshman with a close-knit family, especially her older brother Caelin. One night, Kevin, Caelin’s best friend whom Edie and her family have long trusted, assaults her in her bedroom while everyone else is asleep. This horrifying act marks the beginning of a profound transformation in Edie’s life, shattering her world and her sense of self.

What follows is a four-year journey of survival, confusion and transformation. Divided into parts representing each year of high school, the narrative traces Edie’s response to the trauma – her silence, her self-destructive behaviours, her eventual steps toward acknowledging her experience, and her slow path to self-forgiveness. In choosing to remain silent about her assault, Edie’s internal conflict intensifies, pushing her away from friends and family and deepening her suffering. Through the years, Edie’s story shows the lingering effects of trauma and the painful, nonlinear path to healing.

One of the most central themes in The Way I Used To Be is the isolating impact of trauma. Edie initially chooses not to disclose her assault, feeling ashamed and afraid that she won’t be believed. Her decision to keep her pain secret not only silences her trauma but also traps her in. this silence builds walls around her, pushing her away from those who love her, including her parents, her best fiend Mara and even her brother. Smith emphasises the devastating consequences of not speaking out, showing how Edie’s silence exacerbates her sense of isolation and disconnection. Her silence prevents her from seeking help, and as her suffering grows, so does her anger and resentment towards herself and others.



By showing Edie’s experiences in such an unfiltered manner, Smith highlights the societal pressures and personal fears that often keep victims from coming forward. Edie’s story encourages readers to consider how silence can deepen trauma and emphasises the importance of providing survivors with a safe space to speak openly.

Edie’s assault not only leaves her physically harmed but also marks the end of her innocence. In the aftermath, she undergoes a drastic personality change. Once a rule-abiding “good girl” who excelled academically, she gradually becomes rebellious, experimenting with drugs, alcohol and risky behaviours. Her actions are not merely teenage rebellion but expressions of the anger, guilt and shame she feels over the assault. She feels a disconnect between the person she was before the assault and the person she has become, struggling to reconcile her fractured identity.

This transformation symbolises the boarder concept of trauma’s power to alter a person’s sense of self. Through Edie, Smith portrays the loss of innocence and the dissonance between one’s past and present selves, showing how trauma reshapes identity. Edie’s rebellion can be seen as an attempt to regain control over her life, as she subconsciously wrestles with her feelings of powerlessness and vulnerability.

As Edie’s trauma remains unaddressed, she adopts self-destructive behaviours as a means of coping. Her actions – dating boys she doesn’t care about, drinking heavily, engaging in risky activities – are manifestations of her pain and frustration. These behaviours highlight the cyclical nature of unresolved trauma; Edie turns to self-destructive habits to escape her emotions, only to find herself more deeply entrenched in shame and guilt.

Smith does not romanticise these behaviours, instead portraying them as understandable but harmful responses to trauma. The author illustrates the psychology behind Edie’s actions, allowing readers to empathise with her without condoning her choices. This theme is essential in helping readers understand how trauma survivors may try to alleviate their suffering in unhealthy ways, often as a cry for help rather than a personal failing.

While The Way I Used To Be is unflinching in its portrayal of pain, it also offers a powerful message about healing. Edie’s journey is not one of complete recovery but one of gradual self-acceptance and resilience. Toward the end of the novel, Edie begins to realise that she deserves compassion and support and takes small, courageous steps to confront her trauma. Her decision to reach out for help is depicted as a triumph in itself, showing that healing is not about erasing the past but about learning to live alongside it.

Smith emphasises that recovery from trauma is not linear and that setbacks are a natural part of the process. The novel’s ending is realistic and hopeful, showing that while Edie still has a long way to go, she is on the path toward healing. Through Edie’s gradual self-discovery, the book reminds readers of the importance of patience, understanding and support for trauma survivors.

Eden “Edie” McCrorey: Edie is a multi-dimensional character who embodies the complexities of trauma. Her narrative voice is raw and intense, capturing the visceral emotions she experiences as she grapples with her pain. Her story is a testament to the resilience of trauma survivors, even when they may not believe in their own strength. She is at once flawed and sympathetic, allowing readers to feel anger, fear and eventual determination to move forward.

Edie’s arc is one of slow transformation. Throughout high school, she oscillates between despair and fleeting moments of hope, showing readers that recovery is a process filled with highs and lows. By the end of the novel, Edie’s steps toward healing reflect her resilience and courage, symbolising a victory over the darkness she has endured.

Supporting Characters: The supporting characters in The Way I Used To Be add complexity and depth to Edie’s journey. Her brother Caelin, who unknowingly caused Edie’s pain by bringing Kevin into her life, represents the people closest to a survivor who may inadvertently cause harm. Although Caelin is a positive figure in her life, Edie’s relationship with him deeply affected by her trauma, creating a painful distance between them.

Her parents, while loving, are largely unaware of Edie’s suffering. This unawareness underscores how trauma often goes unseen, especially by those who may assume that “everything is fine”. Her relationship with Mara, her best friend, similarly illustrates the ways trauma can strain friendships, as Edie pushes Mara away in her attempt to conceal her pain.

Amber Smith’s writing style is direct and compelling, with an intimacy that allows readers to feel Edie’s emotions deeply. Told from Edie’s perspective in the first person, the narrative creates a strong sense of empathy, bringing reader into Edie’s mind as she navigates her complicated feelings. The book is structured around the four years of high school, each year representing a different phase of Edie’s journey. This structure emphasises how trauma does not simply fade over time; instead, it transforms, affecting different aspects of a survivor’s life as they grow and change.

Smith’s prose is both sensitive and unflinchingly honest, striking a delicate balance between depicting Edie’s pain and giving her moments of reflection and insight. The pacing allows readers to experience Edie’s journey in real-time, with each high school year offering a new layer to her character and development.

The Way I Used To Be has resonated with readers around the world, especially young adults who may have experienced similar struggles. Its portrayal of trauma, silence and recovery fosters empathy and raises awareness about the complexities of healing. The novel also highlights the importance of support systems – friends, family and mental health resources – and encourages readers to be more attuned to the invisible pain others may carry.

In exploring Edie’s silence, Smith emphasises how social stigma and fear often prevent survivors from coming forward. This theme is particularly relevant in light of ongoing conversations around sexual assault and consent, making the novel both timely and timeless. By showing Edie’s journey from a place of pain to one of self-acceptance, the novel offers hope while also validating the struggles of survivors.

The Way I Used To Be by Amber Smith is a profound and essential story that explores the complexities of trauma with empathy and realism. Through Edie’s journey, Smith highlights the challenges of coping with pain, the difficulty of opening up, and the courage it takes to start healing. The novel’s honest depiction of the impact of sexual assault provides a voice to survivors and a window for readers to better understand the struggles they face.

For those who have experienced trauma, the book offers validation and a message of hope, reminding them that healing is possible even when it feels out of reach. For those who have not experienced similar pain, it fosters empathy and a deeper awareness of the importance of compassion. Ultimately, The Way I Used To Be is a powerful narrative that speaks to the strength of survivors, urging readers to remember that while trauma may alter one’s path, it does not define their future.

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