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The Top 3 Beers That Don't Taste Like Beer

Home > Melbourne > Bars | Food and Wine | Fun Things To Do | Pubs
by Sean Goedecke (subscribe)
Sean Goedecke is a freelance writer trying to visit every cafe in Australia. If you enjoy his articles, it can't hurt to click the 'like' link at the bottom or subscribe.
Published October 22nd 2011
We've all been there: trying to convince a partner or friend that yes, beer is supposed to be bitter and yes, it does taste good. Or maybe like me you're one of those people who doesn't understand why people bother to drink beer. So here's a list of beers that might change your mind - training beers, if you like - and where you can find them in Melbourne.

Haywards 5000

Haywards 5000
Haywards 5000

Haywards 5000 is an Indian staple beer. It tastes faintly of soft banana and malt liquor, weighs in at around seven percent alcohol, and is ridiculously easy to drink. Best of all, it's hard to recognise. Your friends will be impressed by the high alcohol content and the foreign label - tell them that Indian hops are cleaner and purer - and you can kick back with your faintly beer-tasting scotch and soda.

Where can you get it? Gaylords Indian Restaurant will sell you one of these for six bucks - pretty good value, considering.

St Ambroise Peach Lambic

St Ambroise Peach Lambic
The peaches go in the bottle.

This is a fancier (and more expensive) option, and should only be used in serious cases. Don't like beer at all? Go into uncontrollable rages at the slightest hint of bitterness? Then the St Ambroise Peach Lambic is for you: it tastes almost exactly like carbonated peach juice - until you slide sideways off your chair, that is. The St Ambroise brewery swears that they actually brew the peaches, but the jury's still out on whether this is just peach juice and vodka. Still, it says 'beer' on the label, and that's what matters, right?

Where can you get it? Bar Fred stocks a range of St Ambroise lambics, but don't ask for the cherry one unless you love the taste of chemicals.


Corona: beer not pictured.

And now we come to Corona. While the other two beers on this list don't taste like beer, at least they taste like something (scotch and peaches, respectively). If you don't like the taste of anything, perhaps you shouldn't be drinking beer at all, but if you have to - a mad brewer is holding a gun to your head, perhaps - then go for Corona, the only drink that tastes more like water than actual water.

Corona: beer still not pictured.

Where can you get it? Fortunately (or not), every liquor store has this beer. The only problem is that everyone will know exactly what you're drinking. Try to be on a beach in summer, wearing a sombrero, so you can claim you're just trying to go for a consistent vibe. Or wear buttoned-up flannel shirts and tell people it's ironic. Either way you're not going to be making friends.
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Why? Because not everyone is born a beer lover.
When: If you drink before midday people will judge you.
Where: All over Melbourne.
Cost: Six to sixteen dollars.
Your Comment
I'm surprised that you don't like beer. I really pegged you for a beer drinker in your other reviews. It must be hard for your friends to go out with you if you won't even partake in an amber beverage.
by Jack Lewis (score: 1|29) 3043 days ago
You can also get Haywards 5000 at Shebeen in Manchester Lane
by jacin (score: 0|2) 2082 days ago
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