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The 3 Best Illegal Things To Do in Perth

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by Sean Goedecke (subscribe)
Sean Goedecke is a freelance writer trying to visit every cafe in Australia. If you enjoy his articles, it can't hurt to click the 'like' link at the bottom or subscribe.
Published December 12th 2011
People say that crime doesn't pay, but they're wrong. It pays in life experience, learned skills, and crazy stories to tell your grandchildren. Of course, you don't want to be telling those stories through a glass pane in the prison's visiting room, but on the other hand you want your grandchildren to think you're totally awesome. What's the solution to this? Well, it turns out there are plenty of outdated laws in Australia that are still on the books. You can break them and enjoy the thrill of being a criminal without being afraid of the repercussions – and isn't that all most people really want out of life? Here are some of the best Perth laws to break.

Go To Jail
However, when you fight the law, sometimes the law wins.

Horse Around At A Bar

Show up to your local with a horse in tow, and people are likely to raise eyebrows. At the very least, you won't be allowed in - but legally, you should be. Even more, an Australian bar owner is required by law to stable, water and feed the horses of his patrons. Technically, this isn't so much breaking the law as it is forcing someone else to break the law, but it's a hell of a good time. For extra points, show up with a posse of friends and insist on the finest hay for your steeds. The barman will almost certainly be impressed by your barely-legal initiative and buy you all free drinks. Don't drink and ride, though.

Crush A Beer Can With Your Chest

In Western Australia, it's illegal for a barmaid to crush a (presumably empty) can of beer between her breasts. The possible justifications for this law are endless: protecting public health and safety from bursts of shrapnel, making sure unscrupulous bar owners don't pressure their barmaids into beer-can-crushing-contests, and so on. Unfortunately, this law seems only to apply to women – but if you're a guy, there's nothing to stop you crushing a beer can with your pecs. It's arguably more impressive, and who knows? If the practice catches on, they might just pass a law against it as well. After all, the only thing more impressive than breaking a law is making one.

Drive A Taxi (With Nothing In The Trunk)

This one's a holdover from the ancient days where taxis were made of wood and had horses on the front. To prevent cruelty to animals, or just ensure that paying customers wouldn't have to endure unnecessary hold-ups, cab drivers were required to have a bale of hay in the back at all times. A sick or hungry horse could be revived in emergencies. Despite the relative scarcity of horses on Perth's streets, this law's still on the books - so if you drive a taxi now, you'd better have a trunk full of straw. It's a little harder to break this law than the last one, unless you own a taxi. Perhaps if you rode in a taxi, you'd count as an accessory to the crime? Hey, it's worth a shot.

Sure, there are easier ways to break the law – horses aren't cheap in this economy - but when you factor in the costs of a court case, it might break even. The important thing to remember is to stay safe: when crushing beer cans with your breasts, always wear at least two layers of protective clothing. After a few drinks, that could be a recipe for disaster (and some uncomfortable bruising). Years later, you can show off your scars to your children and grandchildren, and inspire them to do the same thing. Just think – your very own family could become a criminal dynasty.
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Why? Because there's a criminal inside all of us.
When: Anytime.
Where: All around Perth.
Cost: Free.
Your Comment
Nice work Sean, I will be sure to ask my next taxi driver if he is aware he is breaking the law by not having a bale of hay in the trunk.
by Shannon Meyerkort (score: 3|1832) 4067 days ago
Hahaha - hilarious! :)
by Judith Clark (score: 2|102) 4062 days ago
would like to actually see these laws. I think these are old wives tales.
by there (score: 0|2) 3539 days ago
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