Dreamer, wordsmith, mum of two - I enjoy the outdoors, good food and good company. Subscribe to my articles to follow what I've been up to, and like those articles you want to see more of so I can tailor what I write to my audience.
Published January 19th 2016
How FOMO intensifies experience
How not to do Tetsuya's
1) Get invited to Tetsuya's by friends celebrating their wedding anniversary, said wedding being an event at which your husband was the best man. Be pregnant with your first child.
2) Make sure your husband is of the super protective hypochondriac variety who sees listeria lurking in every meal not baked to a crisp, waiting to kill your unborn child.
3) Watch in consternation as each increasingly swoon-worthy dish gets placed in front of you, then sent away by over-vigilant husband, to be replaced by more suitable dish for pregnant person (read: very well cooked with as few raw ingredients as possible - kind of limiting in a restaurant which prides itself on fresh produce delicately cooked to showcase its natural flavours).
4) Surreptitiously snivel (as you don't want to ruin your friend's anniversary dinner) while you cry silently into your plate of artfully arranged salad leaves, watching the rest of the table groan with pleasure as they tuck into Tetsuya's confit of ocean trout, world's most photographed dish, carefully cooked slowly and at such low temperature that it has an unworldly melt-in-your mouth consistency - therefore entirely unsuitable for pregnant wife, according to your maddeningly preachy husband. Stare longingly at butter knife then back at increasingly stab-worthy face of husband, but restrain oneself, knowing that to create such a disturbance during friend's wedding anniversary dinner would be incredibly poor form.
Confit of petunia ocean trout - Tetsuya's signature dish
5) Snatch a plate off the waiter as he's starting to set the dishes down around the table, which may or may not contain something like unpasteurized cheese, and scoff it down hastily while your husband is engaged in conversation, hoping he won't notice.
6) Try to appreciate the complex interplay of textures and flavours in your mouth while eating very very fast, cursing in your mind at the over-attentiveness of the wait staff holding emergency discussions in hushed whispers amongst themselves ("did you give her the plate before checking with her husband?" "It's too late - she's eaten it")
7) Die of embarrassment as husband turns around, realises what has happened, and starts to give waiters a dressing down for not checking the dish with him first to confirm if the dish was suitable for pregnant wife to eat.
8) Leave one of the world's most renowned restaurants hungry, surrounded by friends who are rolling out the door patting their well rounded stomachs whilst raving about how this was the best meal they had ever eaten in their lives. Console oneself with the knowledge that the food that you just ate was amazing, whilst seething at the fact that the food that everybody else just ate was phenomenal.
3) Delight in the attentiveness of the waitstaff, and admire how well they look after the lone businessman from overseas dining by himself, handing him Tetsuya's book to look at between courses as a distraction from his status as a lone diner in the sea of couples celebrating special occasions.
4) Giggle with delight at Tetsuya's fine dining take on mashed potato and pea. Marvel at the playfulness of the dish. The black stuff that looks like caviar - is actually herring balls that are coloured black with squid ink. The fish roe is actually the orangey-yellow stuff underneath it. Revel in the surprise factor of this dish.
Fish roe and squid ink herring balls, potato and pea puree
7) Feel the stomach start to strain with every delightful mouthful. Allow the tastebuds to tingle and be cleansed with the fresh combination of cucumber granita and mint lime sorbet, ready to be bedazzled by the onslaught of dessert dishes.
9) Snigger as you watch semi-drunk guests who are half way through the matched wine degustation stumble to the toilets and with looks of bewildered consternation plastered across their faces, try (and fail) to work out which toilet is the ladies and which one is the gents from the graphic signage.
Tetsuya toilet signage - so obvious when you realise what it depicts, so impossible to decipher when you're busting and drunk