Teacher educator and author of many teacher reference books. Amused by random ideas and loves random acts of kindness. Enjoys writing humour...seriously!Please see my Instagram: wilsonjeni
Published October 10th 2013
There's no excuse for being bored or dateless this weekend. There's a virtual smorgasbord of possibilities on line. But be wary. You might need a few hints to avoid the potholes of the bumpy on-line dating world.
On-line dating brings a whole new meaning to on-line shopping but it's an agonising exercise. Can't even do the first step. What's a good pseudonym that doesn't have double meanings? Warm heart. Cold hands, cold feet! If you desire lying next to someone who is as cold as a corpse, I am your body. I am going to need some luck to get some joy so after some retrospective thinking I settle on Luckjoyjaded.
Tip 1. Think carefully about how you want to be viewed. Pick a name that reflects you and be confident.
Then the profile… too hard. Who am I? I'm 40 plus, encumbered by husband at no known address, and 4 children (sounding attractive so far?).
Tip 2. Be honest. If they don't like you have four kids (a fact you can't change) it's better for them to know first!
After a week on-line I can just about guess the profile description of all eligible men… I'm not jaded, just analytic! I now know they are all lies, some lies, half lies or half-truths. Just the average guy looking for a partner … with herpes! Not too many gals Desperately seeking herpes I imagine.
Speak the truth!
Tip 3. Try to be realistic about what you are expecting and wanting in a partner.
But what would I know about dating? It's been so long. Oh two replies. Downwardfacingdog. A sneak preview reveals no interest in yoga, ugh. Now this one has an advantage over most men. He has hair, read on… you guessed it … Bigschalong has herpes!
But that's all behind me now… I'm running late for my first live date because just as I was about to leave the baby vomited down my back. Just a trickle but mental note to self: next time change clothes even if it took 3 days to pick them.
Tip 4. Always talk on the phone before meeting. You can tell a lot over the phone.
So here I am. I have teetered successfully over each gutter in my new stilettos. Feel really tall up here at 5'10. There's a tap on the small of back. My charming customer service officer turns out to be a 5 ft truck driver carrying a 'little' weight. He's right at the height of the tassel on my new red floral Elle McPherson which I know now are made for flat breasted nymphs.
Tip 5. You can always pull out if you don't feel comfortable.
Take a goo hard look in the mirror
I'm living my journey of self-discovery. I said I was open-minded. I said looks, money and size didn't matter. But I can't stop thinking about the dexterity of midgets in the circus and hear myself asking an unscripted question: "Is the limbo easier from that height?" It's not graciously received. Now I'm longing for on-line dating. It is easier to scroll, delete, and save favourites, with an avocado face pack and a dressing gown than to tart up and feel like a bitch in a pet shop window that no one ever picks.
Tip 6. Be open minded. Physical appearances are only one part of the equation.
My screening criteria has to change, but I can't keep narrowing my field even if there's 2 million matches on this site! So now I am like a kid in a candy shop. I'm looking for something sweet, soft on the inside and a little bit nutty- just like me.
Tip 7. Make sure your criteria is clear. This can be hard too!
I think I've found my perfect match. Alickandapromise. I can see the future: I have 4 kids, he has 3. We are one up on the Brady Bunch, except in my series the little girl is a real backstabber who manipulates everyone to get the biggest bedroom. The oldest boy is on drugs and sneaks girls in at night. You can never find a dry towel and no one ate the chips that were in the empty packet left on the couch. I am still going to go to bed exhausted after lining up more lunchboxes and endless school uniforms. Now I don't have time for chatting on line or off.
Tip 8. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Don't be in a hurry but have fun.
Better have another look at Weekend notes. What's on for singles with a big brood?