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How to Survive a Zombie Attack

Home > Adelaide > Misc
Published June 29th 2011
Photo courtesy of "Zombie

Did you know that you can actually purchase Zombie insurance?
Yep. Right here. Their motto is "Zombies don't care. We do."

And it makes sense, because Zombies can seriously mess up your residence. Breaking your doors, windows, and all your cool stuff because they just don't think.

For just $9.99 (usually $12.95), 'My Zombie Insurance' will cover you for life. So after an attack, your place can go from this:

Photo courtesy of My Zombie Insurance website

to this:

Photo courtesy of My Zombie Insurance website

So all of this got me thinking. Sure, my insurance would cover any damage Zombies might do to my home and contents, but what about me? What if I don't come out of it alive? What's the point in Zombie Insurance if you aren't alive to enjoy the benefits?

So, the following article will give you tips on how to Zombie Proof Your Life. In doing so, you can (hopefully) avoid an attack, and possibly (1% chance) even make some new Zombie friends.

First up, you need to know what you're dealing with here.

Zombies originated in Haiti, when Voodoo sorcerers are believed to have revived the dead with their magic.

Zombies have also been known to form when humans were zombified, as a result of a powerful, psychoactive drug introduced to the blood stream.

Wherever it is they came from, they usually don't care about you or your stuff, and you want to avoid them at all costs. Because after you are bitten, no matter how small the bite, you are infected buddy. And it's only a matter of time before you become one of them. And becoming one of them will surely cost you many high profile party invitations.

At this point, I apologise if my long introduction has cost you your life. You have possibly just googled 'How to Zombie Proof Your Life' and only read this far before you were attacked. Had I skipped that long intro, you could very well have been saved. For that, I am sorry. So let's begin.

So, you could take the easy out and build yourself a Zombie Proof house like this guy.

Photo's courtesy of 'All that is intersting' website

But I honestly feel there is more to Zombies. You don't want to rip in to their heart strings, or they'll rip in to yours and eat them up.

And I know that you think that they don't think much and are basically brain dead. But read on, because I have proof that there is more to them, and proof that my ideas are much more friendly. I reckon we can live together as one. And here's how.

1. Prepare a buffet:

It's no secret Zombies like brains. Sure, they'll take your kidney with a side of torso, but Zombies have been linked to the droning words "Brainnsss" since 'Night of the Living Dead' in 1985. So here is what I propose.

Set up an appealing looking trestle with a selection of a Zombie favourites. You might even like to label each of the delicacies like they do at Sizzler.

Brain, Liver, Neck and so forth. And how do I know this will work?

Imagine yourself in a situation similar to this. Imagine walking in to a room, and seeing before you a frightened chicken drumstick. Would you eat that, or would you head straight over to the selection of pastas, desserts and free pan fried bread that has been clearly labelled by a kind individual?

I would go for the selection.

So, this gives you enough time to get away, set up camp somewhere else and repeat the buffet process when desired. Not only will you avoid being eaten by a Zombie, but you'll get to travel all over the country and see lots of different sights. If you're lucky, one day you might find yourself at Disneyland, so there are perks.

2. Zombies can dance:

in 1983, Michael Jackson revealed something that all of us had hoped and prayed was true. Zombies can dance. And they're really, really good. For a group of living dead who are apparently 'brain dead,' they certainly have a lot of rhythm and coordination. Which leads me to think that there is much more to Zombies than most may think.

I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt, and state that Zombies can in fact process more than 'must eat brains.' If they are taking the time to learn dance routines for entertainment, then surely they enjoy it.

So here is what you are going to do. Learn a really good Zombie inspired dance routine. Keep a boom box with you at all times. At the moment you are about to be attacked, hit play and begin. Sure enough, they will follow you and you can all have a few drinks afterwards and discuss the plans of your travelling dance troupe. Maybe you could even make t-shirts for your dance troupe.

And if you're not much of a dancer, check this out. It's called 'Thrill the World' and it's for real. Every year, around the world, people learn the Thriller dance via the website. They then dress up and go to their nearest 'Thrill the World' location to perform it, and break the world record of the most people performing the Thriller dance simultaneously. A sure fire way to fool all Zombies. All you have to do is perform this dance 24/7. Humans and Zombies can then unite as one, and learn to live together, dancing forever.

3. Make the Zombie's feel like they are part of a team:

Just maybe, all that Zombies want is to feel loved, and part of a team. That is why you are going to create one and invite them to join you.

You probably don't want to create a team that involves something fast paced, like speed skating or cycling. I feel the Zombies would not excel here, getting frustrated and in turn possibly eat you. You want to pick something they will be good at, like Rugby or Baseball. I say this, because they are both sports at which people come at you.

In this case, it will be Zombies coming at you, so just imagine the other teams surprise when a Zombie tries to run to first base. They'll probably say, "You can have first base mate, in fact, take all four." Then hooray, you win the game.

4. Be-friend a Vampire:

Evidence shows, that Vampires would win over Zombies in a fight by one point. So all you need to do is take a Vampire with you wherever you go.

This is confirmed by the statistics on this website.

5. Have a LAN:

That's right. Grab a bunch of computers along with all of your friends, and play only Zombie related video games. There are plenty to choose from, like Resident Evil, Zombie Driver, They Hunger, and Flesh Feast.

Invite the Zombies along for a LAN night. Remind them to bring a bottle of coke as they'll need the caffeine. It's going to be a long night of games and leeching.

After 48 hours, as people begin to pack up their computers and call it a two days, take the Zombies aside for a chat. No doubt at this point, they will try and attack you. So this is where you explain that "It's just a game." They will be a little confused, then be embarrassed and respond with "My mistake."

They'll then leave, thanking your mum on the way out for making those sandwiches and never think of attacking you again.

So there you have it. The top 5 ways in which I think you can prevent being attacked by Zombies.

I'm going to die aren't I.
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Why? In order to survive during a Zombie breakout
When: Zombies take over
Where: Wherever you can
Cost: Might be a bit for the buffet
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