Guitar Hero is a game for people like me, who have picked up a guitar time and time again, but just can't seem to grasp any more than your basic chords.
So when you have played every song in existence with the chords G, D, and C, and think there is nothing more you can do to realise your dream of becoming the next Joan Jett, there is a light.
That little glimmer of hope is Guitar Hero, and you can be awesome at it.
After reading my tips, you won't be able to play without standing on the nearest piece of furniture, or breaking up your performance with sets of perfectly timed high kicks.
Because after reading my tips, you will be awesome.
Maybe you want to become awesome at Guitar Hero to impress the opposite sex. Or maybe you have been challenged by your nemesis and given 3 weeks to become awesome. Whatever the reason, you can be, so read on.
Before I begin, I'll need to cover a few basics.
1. What you'll need:
A console which supports the game, and obviously, you need the game. My Playstation 2 is still alive and kicking, so that is my preferred console.
You'll also want wireless guitars, as they allow for more free movement.
There are many different versions of the game Guitar Hero. You've got your general versions with a selection of songs, and special editions such as Aerosmith, Rocks the 80's, and Warriors of Rock.
So here lies the hard part. Choosing 1 song, and 1 song only in which you are going to master. And this can be from any edition in the series.
The reason I am only allowing you to choose 1 song, is because it is part of your 'sneaky' plan to appear awesome.
I have not once stated that these tips are going to make you legitimately awesome. You would need the reflexes of a golden cheetah to complete this game on expert.
Either that, or be this kid.
I can even prove that becoming an expert at one song can make you seem better than you are.
A few years ago in one of my instrument phases, my parents got me a Casio Keyboard. Granted, I was okay at it, but I wasn't brilliant. So I got on You Tube, and learnt how to play Vanessa's Carlton's "A Thousand Miles".
And I tell you, if I had a penny for every time someone saw my keyboard sitting there, and promptly asked me "Do you know how to play that Vanessa Carlton song?"
Then I would have a lot of pennies. So it was worth practising.
If you're really stuck, I suggest any song by Slash, Jimi Hendrix, Queen, Foo Fighters, or Taylor Swift.
I have chosen 'No Way Back' by Foo Fighters as my awesome track because it rocks, and Dave Grohl is my future second husband so it's only fair I support him.
2. Practice, practice, practice. Without a guitar:
Remember, this is an article on 'How to be Awesome at Guitar Hero.' And one of the biggest things involved in being awesome is having the right moves.
You could be the best guitar player in the world. You could even play with your eyes closed. But if you're doing all this whilst swaying lightly from side to side, you are hardly going to be considered 'awesome'.
It may not add to your game score, but if you are playing to try and impress a girl or guy, your moves will inevitably cause you to 'score'.
It doesn't matter how you decide to move, just don't stay stationary, and keep the feet a good couple of feet apart.
Moves I am particularly fond of include; the simultaneous 360 spin and jump, the slow lean forward and back with extra head bang, and the arm windmill of the strumming arm.
Now that you have your moves down, here's how you master the game. Obviously you want to practice as often as possible, but the following will really lift your game, and give you a one up on your opponent.
3. Handy tips and hints:
Now that you have chosen the song that will elevate you to rock god status, there are a few things you need to practice.
Your strum. To begin you may be tempted to strum in just one direction, but it helps to practice strumming up and down because once you get to hard, it gets very fast. So unless you want to end up with cramped hands, prompting you to end your dreams of becoming a Guitar Hero 'hero', then strum up and down please.
Whammy your notes. When ever you get the chance to whammy, whammy. Not only will you get more star power, but the 'wah-wah' noise sounds rad.
Practice the 'casual' look. Even though inside, you may be struggling to hit all the notes, if you look around casually during the performance, you will give the impression that what you are doing could be done whilst standing on your head. This in turn makes you appear more awesome than you might be.
4. The finishing touches:
Now that you have mastered your one song, and have the moves to look the part, there are a few little things that lift you to 'awesome' status.
Your outfit. I hate to admit it, but Lycra just works. It's breathable, flexible, and your guitar can't catch on it forcing you to miss 2 notes. The 2 notes you needed to win the title.
But Lycra doesn't have to be boring. If you go for something bright, not only will you stand out, but your opponent may be blinded and in turn, forfeit.
Shoes are just as important. I would go for a pair of high top sneakers, so when jumping off the couch, a smooth landing is guaranteed.
The hair. If you are throwing a few head bangs in there, it's important that your hair is large, and wild. If you don't have long hair, purchase a wig.
5. Your end pose:
There is one final part to my tips that is often forgotten. The final pose.
Why play the hardest, most rocking 3 minutes of your life, play that last note, and just stand and look around. This is the one point in the song I encourage you not to look casual.
You want to end in a pose that will be remembered.
John Hughes movies for example, always end with a freeze frame at the end of the movie. Staring at something for an extra 5 seconds really re-enforces its awesomeness.
A pose in which I will gladly recommend, is the strong, punched fist in the air. Also be sure to look at the fist and breathe heavily like you have just finished an intense work out.
This pose says "You made it. It was hard, but you did it. You are one tough cookie. But above all, you are awesome."
At the end of the day, if you lose, just pretend that you 'accidentally' played with the wrong hand, because you forgot you were right handed. And if they ask for a rematch, just tell them that your new beliefs only allow you to play Guitar Hero on full and half moons, giving you that little bit of extra time to practice harder.
But with these tips, I hardly doubt you'll be defeated.