Teacher educator and author of many teacher reference books. Amused by random ideas and loves random acts of kindness. Enjoys writing humour...seriously!Please see my Instagram: wilsonjeni
Published September 20th 2013
Contemplate, speculate & hyperventilate
After contemplating the weekend possibilities I decided to try to save you from the same fruitless fate. Here's some dumb but real ways to entertain your poor pitiful soul. Unfortunately they are likely to lead to death by boredom.
Never a pair when you need them
Strike off the list of riveting events for this weekend:
1. Search the third kitchen drawer for the pizza cutter (or insert your own kitchen tool obsession). Rediscover that the reason you have collected so many is that none of them work so you need to buy another one.
2. Look for the lost wheel from a favourite toy car in the bottom of the toy box. This is never a quick exercise especially if you have help from the passionate owner of the car. Find every possible toy wheel except the one you need. Throw these out for completeness sake and then realise you can't find the car!
3. Write down all the ways you can raise money to pay for the double knee reconstruction of the latest member of the family. Apparently these types of 'free to good home' dogs have a predisposition to expensive vet bills. I call it short dogs and hopelessly loyal dog owner's syndrome.
4. Write a list of grievances and debts to your ex that you will never send. It might have some therapeutic value but it's an utter waste of time. While you are at it write a letter back to yourself listing all the reasons why your ex idolises you and the ground you walk on. It should take a while but both are pointless exercises and a waste of ink.
5. Try to find something edible at the back of the freezer behind the meat that is four years out of date. At least you know where you will be all weekend.
6. Sort paper clips by size. These can be substituted with bulldog clips, bread ties and other assorted stationery and small items commonly found around the home. Some can be sorted by colour or use by date if you're lucky. Add your own anal sorting job.
7. And the dumbest idea of all is to try to reduce the contents of the basket full of odd socks. It's right up there with looking for Tupperware lids because of the frustration factor. I personally do not subscribe to the black sock hole theory. I am convinced the socks and lids have run away together after seeing the cow jump over the moon and the little dog laugh at them. I'm sure I'd feel the same way.
So if you can kicked your obsessive compulsive tendencies, created your own unproven conspiracy, realised you are self delusional regarding lovers and friends with benefits and as a consequence have funded a counsellor's holidays for long enough… if you have realised you are never going to have enough money or creative ideas for self funding and of your impulsive misdemeanours, why not try something different?
Smarten yourself up and relinquish your responsibilities for decision making to Weekend Notes. Find a high tea, a hippy market, naturally dyed fabric course, a fun run and more. Good luck with your recovery from the weekend of death by boredom.