My twins, waiting eagerly for recess
I was skipping to Brighton Schoolhouse this morning like a peppy preppy on my first day of primary school.
I wanted to like this cafe so badly. The playground, the enormous outdoor seating area, the sandpit, the gorgeous heritage setting; it all beckoned me like a school teacher with a gold star.
Maybe the lack of social media accounts should have tipped me off, but that's forgivable; so they're old school. The menu not being available online was a bit frustrating; what can I say? I like to do my homework. Also forgivable.
Two steel nearly life-sized zoo animals outside in the front garden made a nice first impression, as did the buzz. It was a late weekday morning and the place was hopping; servers serving, kids playing in the small playground, penned in by a cute picket fence (but not in clear view of the seating area).
I wasn't sure if I should find a table or head in, so in I went, with my twins, and had a little look around. An impressive (but not pram-friendly) entrance with a strong and consistent "school house" theme was quaint and quirky to say the least. The servers could barely be seen behind the plethora of espresso machines, grinders, and baked goods displays; not a menu in sight, posted, hand-held, or otherwise. Even the baked goods on display lacked description signage.
This cafe is an actual heritage schoolhouse, circa 1843
Some confusion ensued with whose turn it was to pay or order or speak next; the kind customers who came in after me, but were served first, gave me the option of proceeding with my request.
I was handed a grubby, glossy paper menu and went outside. There were some high bar tables available, but with the twins (2.5 years old), I didn't feel safe there, nor was I comfortable squeezing in to a table for 2, between two occupied tables. I opted for a low coffee table outside of the main seating area, with stone stools. Apparently a "smoking section" as evidenced by the carpet of cigarette butts. Curious little toddler fingers got the the better of me, and I bribed the boys to head for the sand pit; a fort-like area under some low branches, with some plastic buckets and spades at the ready.
Shaded sandpit gives the impression of kid-friendliness
Yet to be acknowledged by any servers, I flagged one down. She asked me to find a table. I explained that it was looking a bit busy and asked if I could order and stay near the sand pit with my kids. She said no. Hm. I guess I paused too long, because she turned and walked away. Oh. Kay.
Lockers strengthened the consistent brand and feel
I got the boys
out of the sand pit and veritably
dragged them back inside. By now, any preconceived plan of plated meals was history. I quickly ordered a milkshake and asked if there were any gluten free slice options. "These are all gluten free." No signage, but feeling pressure to order, I pointed at one with dark pink icing of some sort and goji berries on top. I didn't have to wonder for long whether there was an eftpos minimum, because my order came to $12. There was nothing to read, but some quick 'rithmatic told me that the slice was a shocking $5. The milkshake came in a foam cup; surprising for all the earth friendly image-projection on the menu ("...Our team philosophy is to have produce at its optimum, grown or harvested sustainably and ethically..."). It came with a fountain straw, and I worried that I would not be able to sip my shake through it. Unfortunately, it was easy to sip, due to being not much thicker than chocolate milk. 16oz. $7.
I was hoping for more than the menu had to offer. A contemporary Aussie fusion blend of various muesli, egg dishes, pancakes, and burgers. $22.50 for fried eggs and sausage is a bit too dear for me. If I ever somehow end up there again, I'd try the "katut and rhonda hot pot" : baked eggs tajine, slow cooked lamb & sweet capsicum ragu, whipped goat's curd, cavolo nero, $18.5.
Morning cocktails anyone? Special cafe celebration of some sort? A bottle of champagne is at the ready for $135. Morning cocktails: $12- $13.5, most other wines, ciders, and bottled drinks: $9-$10 per serve or $40-$45 per bottle.
The menu items had some tongue-in-cheek names like #hashtagFOMO pancakes, and I guess in an effort to be trendy or neighbourly, also some references to local businesses, like the Lululemon athlete porridge, and Church Street Chemist Smoothies; the effort for fun and flair simply flopped with me, and came across as a bit of an ad campaign, especially when I literally looked up from the menu and saw that I was sitting in the shadow of the Lululemon "ohm" omega logo sign from the shop just across the street. Don't get me wrong,
I'm a fan of Lululemon, but it's a bit much.
The most surprising and disappointing aspect of my visit was the kids' menu, or lack thereof. Five kids' menu choices (four of them breakfast options), $7.5 for granola with milk, pancakes ($8), jaffle ($8), bacon and eggs ($9.5), or a chicken breast burger ($12).
My son on the slide in the play area
I left sadder than a school girl with an ink-dipped ponytail. Brighton Schoolhouse Cafe needs to decide who their clientele are, and serve them well. If you're going to put a playground in the front yard, kid-sized desks in the entryway, and chalkboards at kid-height all around, then be ready to cater to some Mums chasing kids, with a more kid-friendly menu, pram-friendly access, family-friendly toilets, and lastly, some family-friendly prices.
For a little history lesson,
do some homework here. If I was in a better mood upon leaving, I would have wandered next door to the St Andrew's Op shop; worth checking out sometime.
Unfortunately, the Brighton Schoolhouse Cafe failed to make the grade. C- from me; 6/10.
