The 3 Most Overrated Cafes In MelbourneHow can you tell a good café from a bad café? Astute coffee drinkers will tell you to pay attention to the coffee machine – if it's Synesso or La Marzocco, for instance, the coffee is probably good – or the quality of the beans.
People argue a lot over stuff like this.
Filthy hipsters will tell you to look at the café's décor: the ambiance, if you will. You certainly can't trust the café's reputation, since every coffee shop in Melbourne has a crowd of acolytes. So don't listen to your friend who insists that the coffee stall at South Yarra Station makes the best blend in the city – check out this list of overrated cafés instead, and never drink bad coffee again.
StarbucksMentioning Starbucks in a list like this is almost cheating; among coffee snobs, it's a punchline. Still, the Starbucks on Swanston St near Melbourne Central Station is always full for some reason – some people, somewhere, must be advising their unwary friends to give it a try.
Gaze into the face of evil.
If it's over forty degrees outside, you can justifiably visit Starbucks and take advantage of the air-conditioning, but even then there's no excuse for drinking the overpriced, sickeningly sweet coffee. If you're that desperate to sit on a comfy couch, head to a furniture store and rest on the couches there. It's no less shameful, and you'll come out five dollars richer.
BrunettiHere's another obvious one. Brunetti – originally off Lygon St up the Melbourne University end, and recently on Swanston St near Flinders St Station – is often spoken of as if it's the coffee-and-pastry heart of Melbourne. But there's no getting around it:
the coffee is awful, even for Lygon St.
Two coffees just means twice the awfulness.
If you're in the mood for a nice cake, Brunetti isn't too bad, but prepare to face huge crowds. Obviously, it's overpriced, but you shouldn't blame Brunetti, since they're just reacting to the (inexplicable) demand. The best thing for this café would be a sudden drop in business: the crowds would lessen and service would speed up, and they'd suddenly have to start focusing on quality. Let's try and make this happen.
The QuarterMany coffee snobs hold that Degraves St is holy ground. Degraves Espresso, one of the best coffee shops in Melbourne, is here, along with the affordable Café Andiamo and many other hidden gems. Unfortunately, so is The Quarter, a thoroughly mediocre café.
Sure looks good, though.
The food here is okay, albeit expensive, and the coffee isn't too bad either (although you have to order food if you want to drink it inside). The problem is that 'not too bad' doesn't cut it when you're literally next door to Degraves Espresso – there's no reason for anyone to come here and pay more for worse coffee. If for some reason you want to discourage a friend from ever setting foot in Degraves St, take them here: you won't be disappointed.
Think that one of these places deserves all the hype it gets? Know a popular place that isn't on this list (but should be?) Share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments below – and scroll down and read the comments anyway, since they're likely to be full of useful information. Whatever your perspective, we'd love to hear from you. Unless you like Starbucks, of course. That's just indefensible.
